Monday, June 04, 2007

Ever just sit sometimes and cry? Not even know why you are doing it, you just FEEL LIKE CRYING? Maybe it was all the sun I got the last two days, or what, I don't know, but the moment I hit the bed last night, I just cried. I know I was tired, but for a cry that started from nothing turned into something.

I asked Hannah-Claire to lay with me and from there it went down hill. I was trying not to let on that I was crying, but she nailed me. I think she had me pegged at, "Hannah, will you lay with me?" She scooted up as close as she could get and that wonderful child rolled over and gave the sweetest of kisses. And at the moment I just squalled. She wrapped those little arms around me and told me she loved me and asked what I was sad about and I told her nothing. She starts crying a little and says, you know what I'm sad about, and I said, what? She said, Paw Paw, I miss him so much. She goes into asking me if MamMaw still had some of his fishing poles, that Paw Paw promised to take her fishing but he never got to. I could hardly say anything to her because I was crying so hard then. My dad passed away 2 years ago and it was sudden. He was a diabetic and had been since he was 17 or 18 years old. Many times he got sick as alot of bad diabetics do, but he went into a diabetic coma and never woke up.

I think his death has bothered Hannah-Claire more than I ever imagined. She was close to him, but you get in your head that a small child will soon forget, but she hasn't. She brings him up all the time. I told her last night that Paw Paw still loves us and he would have taken her fishing if he had not gotten sick.

After we both talked at him for awhile, we fell asleep, I think I feel asleep before her. I got to thinking this morning, we are so quick to say that kid's don't remember, they don't understand.....but maybe Hannah-Claire wasn't given the chance to grieve. Nobody asked her what she felt, nobody gave 2 thoughts about how she feeling inside. Instead 2 years later, it seems to me she's trying to tell me , are you upset about Paw Paw dying, cause I sure am!

Maybe tonight I should sit with her and listen. No telling what she might have to say.

On a much brighter note, here are few pics from the weekend. Taylor and I volunteered to work the Nucor family picnic. She got her face painted both days we worked. Have a good one....M